Emily Race-Newmark: [00:00:00] Welcome to This is How We Care, a podcast where we look at what it means to embody care, not as an individual practice, but a collective one and to see what kind of world emerges from this place.

Thank you for being here. I am your host, Emily Race.

Today's episode is going to involve a lot of questioning and unpacking, as we speak with a woman who has been doing that in her own life and in the spaces that she creates, facilitates, and holds for others.

Our guest, Toi Smith, will share a bit more about her visionary work in a moment, which will likely get us thinking about how we got here, what's working for us collectively, And where we'd like to move forward instead.

This episode is great for anyone who finds themselves disenchanted by the systems that we are a part of currently, and perhaps even overwhelmed by where we start in unraveling ourselves from what we just know to be normal. 

I find that our guest Toi Smith really does a great job of breaking down through questioning a process of [00:01:00] unlearning and unpacking why we do the things we do, why we live the lives we live and how we might start to embody more of the world that we wish to see. 

Toi Smith: I like people to think about our everyday lives and how they're structured. And that's really important. Because sometimes we talk about these things and it becomes, y'all can't see me, but I'm raising my hands, like this very outwardly thing of like, "It doesn't impact my family. It's an economy. It's only when I maybe go to work. It's only maybe when I'm spending money, but these systems don't really impact me on the day to day."

And the truth is that's where they mainly impact us. How we think about marriage, how we think about how our children should be raised. Where did you get the ideas that you are then feeding to your children? Why are you forced to send your kids to school at the times that we send them to school every day? Where did that come from? Did you make it up? If you didn't make it up, who made it up? [00:02:00] How do you relate interpersonally to your beloveds?

Why did your parents treat you the way that they treated you? Why do we have to pay rent in the way that we do? All of these things I want us to think about. And I think a lot around relationship.

 All of us want healthier, sustainable, juicy relationships. And we have to understand the water we're swimming in to get closer to those and those relationships with our children. Those are relationships with our siblings, with the natural world, like all of it. 

I'm holding that, looking at the nuclear family, looking at marriage, looking at Cis-hetero, everything. When we unpack it and we question it, what does it open up for us? 

Because if you can start to look at that, then you start to understand Black single motherhood and why you're pitted against it. Because if we're saying then that is the thing not to do, what is the thing to do?

Oh, get married. Oh, stay married. Have your children. Oh, participate in these systems. You don't want to be that. [00:03:00] You don't want to be me. You don't want to be a Black single mother because you're not going to get any support. But do you get support all the way when you're married? Or do we just not talk about that? These are the things. 

Emily Race-Newmark: Our guest today also has played a huge influential role in the development and rebranding of this podcast. I had the fortune of sitting down with her for a couple of strategy sessions that ultimately led to reshaping Founding Mothers into This Is How We Care. Through the questions that she asked, the mirror that she held, in a general space of inquiry and permission, I found myself getting closer to a feeling of alignment with what this podcast and platform is really about and how to shift the way that we're communicating those things. 

And so I can speak first hand from experience that working with Toi is such a pleasure. It truly is enjoyable to sit across from her and just explore some of these ideas together, and it also can be [00:04:00] challenging in the sense that it, requires us to look at truly what it is that we're committed to, what our values are and how to embody those in the way that we're living. 

 It felt so right to bring Toi on to this podcast to share a bit about the work that she does outside of strategy sessions like the one I just described. 

Toi's work spans across a wide variety of learning and unlearning spaces, and her offerings continue to grow and evolve.

Though today, many of our questions will focus on two areas of her work. One is with Loving Black Single Mothers, and the other is with Responsibility of White Wealth, which are two initiatives that brought up a lot of personal curiosity for me, and as you'll hear, they'll open up a lot of questions and ideas for what might be possible, and the ways that we relate to one another are resources and ideas of care.

I'm so grateful for Toi's time and perspective, and I'm really excited to share with you all this conversation, which we originally recorded in April of 2023.

I see you as someone who is here to help [00:05:00] facilitate in, in even birthing, like a new world or a new way of relating to one another and our planet.

 Do you see yourself as a doula? 

Toi Smith: I think I see myself as more of a visionary. I'm someone who gets so many ideas. 

And I remember a friend, told me, because I would always feel like, "I had to move on this idea, I gotta do something with this idea," and my friend would be like, " maybe it's not for you, maybe it's for the collective. Maybe it's for you to give to someone else and they move on that idea."

I see myself as someone who can hold really close to possibility to be like, "We could do it differently," and I can also then see the path. Like, "Okay, this is where we need to go. This is how we can get there."

I don't know if that's doula work. I don't know if I would use that language. But I know I am connected to curiosity and possibility and seeing outside of the box and bringing people with me and helping them see outside the box. And then you become my friend. And [00:06:00] now we're both seeing outside the box. And now we're all community.

I think I would connect more to visionary, and then I just have a skill set of being able to hold the vision and then work towards that vision and then get it done. 

Emily Race-Newmark: Thank you for orienting in that way for us. I'd love to give an overview of some of the visions that you hold, and the way they're manifesting in offerings currently. 

Toi Smith: Yeah. Right now, the work that is taking up a lot of my time and a lot of my energy and all the things is with Loving Black Single Mothers. I'm gonna call it a non profit because we exist in that sector, but we're really trying to disrupt what that means to be a non profit and how we're talking about donations and charity and philanthropy inside of these systems of oppression.

That work is in benefit and in love of Black single mothers, because that is what I am. My mom was a single mom as well. And so we are really trying to love on Black single mothers. That is what we're holding and materially love on Black single mothers. And that means moving money to them so [00:07:00] that they are well and nourished and can take care of their families.

 We say at the core that we trust Black single mothers because the narrative around Black women, specifically Black single mothers, has been that we are untrustworthy. That we deserve our pain and our grief and the bed that we lie in. And so this work is counter to that, but it's also in love of Black single mothers.

So that's the big work. I would say overarchingly. All my work, it's always going to be some teaching. So I do a lot of facilitation and holding space for us to be with new thoughts, respond and ask questions. 

I also hold a space called The Responsibility of White Wealth.

We are about to wrap up the third cohort with six folks inside of it. And in that work, it's wealthy white women who are interested in redistributing their wealth. When I tell people about that work, they're like, " how'd you find these women?" I'm like [Laughter], "It is a heavy lift to actually [00:08:00] market this program." 

but when we're in the space it's so beautiful. Because I'm very clear in my message.

 Either you're rocking with me or you're not. They're like, "Oh, I've been doing this work. You seem like the right person. This is where I'm at. This is what I'm going to do."

And so they come in with a level of respect for me, for the work, for the journey, and I hold that with them too. So it feels really beautiful. 

But over the last three cohorts, I've had close to 20 people, 20 women come through this. That work is unlearning and learning and action. And so what I also believe is that we can do all the unlearning, we can do all the new learning, but then what happens after that? What is the action? What is the praxis? What are the material conditions that we're changing? 

These women come in, we spend a year of unlearning. We spend a year of transparency of getting to know how much money is here. How much money do you have? Where did it come from? What's your credit score? What did your family do? And we have these really vulnerable, [00:09:00] transparent conversations. 

At the core, what I'm really wanting is for people to question their conditions. Like, how did you become wealthy? How'd your family become wealthy? Whose wealth is that? 

Do you have enough? How much is enough? Or do you have beyond enough? And if you're telling me you have more than enough, where does that more need to go? It needs to move back to the collective who helped you get it.

In a society where resources are connected to money, land, labor, everything is very uneven. How'd you become so balanced? How did your family get taken care of? And at what cost? Because if we know we exist in systems that are hierarchical, meaning you have because someone doesn't, what does that mean for you?

And if you say these are your values, what does that mean in your actions? If I was to look at your checkbook, what would it tell me? Would it tell me that you're aligned with the ways that you're thinking and you're holding? And that's a really hard ask because you have to change your whole orientation to life.

And [00:10:00] then at the end, they have to make commitments.

They have to say, "This is how much money I'm giving away. This is where I'm giving it to. These are my commitments for the year."

What I'm holding for them is a practice. What I want is for them to every year interrogate, like, how much money you have, how much money do you actually need, and what's that intersection of where you need to give and how much you need to be giving? 

Emily Race-Newmark: What is that space really holding in terms of possibility? 

Toi Smith: So much.

I believe women circling and being able to be truthful and held in this space opens up so much. I'm holding that, I see your humanity. I'm hoping you see mine. And so let's collectively see everyone's humanity. And so at the core, I'm wanting them to see their responsibility.

Usually with money, to be responsible means you're saving, means you're putting your money in the stock market, there's such a level of responsibility.

I'm holding a different orientation. If you tell me your value set is this: you care about the people, you're anti racist, you're about the collective, you've done all this unlearning. [00:11:00] Then your responsibility means that you move resources from those who have the most to those who have the least.

There's a different definition of responsibility. And so we're trying to move it from a responsibility tethered inside of capitalism and upward mobility and more into collective well being.  

Take your money out of doing better just for you and your nuclear family, right? So you'll have wealthy people who have money in the stock market and it's making them money and they're just seeing it as a win.

I just magically put it in the stock market and I get more money. But that comes from the exploitation of workers who are then working and then that's how you get your wealth. It's not just your money for your family to continue on.

Collective well-being and taking it out of your upward mobility, your class ascension, you and your family's-- and I have to keep reiterating this, this is only for people who are telling me or telling themselves or telling the world that they have a certain value set or a political [00:12:00] orientation. This isn't for everyone.

And so it's this reframe and this new orientation. 

And the reason we do it in a circle is because it's not sustainable to do this stuff alone. There's no way. Especially, you're going against the tide of these systems for you to do this work alone. And especially usually these women are coming from families who uphold a certain value set connected to class ascension and all the things and so you're gonna get so much push back. So we do this in a circle in the hopes that relationships form and that this becomes a long term thing that you as a group, and I always tell them, "I'm not promising community here. Community is a verb. You actually have to build the relationship here. But I'm hoping that you find relationship here so that you continue this work." 

Emily Race-Newmark: Yeah, And I'm glad you emphasize that piece because that was something that really struck me the fact that you're offering a space for these ideas to be unlearned, unpacked, and the difficulty within that is not something I believe that we can do in isolation. And just having [00:13:00] reflections from others to be like, "Oh, wait, okay. I'm not the only one that feels this way," or, "Oh, we're going to step into this sticky area together."

That's one of my hopes for the eventual evolution of this platform as well, is that we need to be able to do this unpacking together.

Let's pivot then and focus on Loving Black Single Mothers because, and I understand there's like a financial aspect of this work as well. Tell us more about what Loving Black Single Mothers is holding as a vision, and how that is being embodied. 

Toi Smith: We say everything we do is an ecosystem of care. And the reason we're using that language is because we're wanting everyone to understand and land and root in the fact that we are all parts of an ecosystem. If you're a donor, you're a part of an ecosystem. If you're a mom, you're a part of the ecosystem. 

If you're giving to us, we want you to understand that you're giving impacts the mom.

It impacts us as the organization as a whole. It impacts the collective because it holds possibility. And so not just seeing it as like, " I'm just a donor," but you are a part [00:14:00] of the ecosystem. We don't exist if you don't give. The work doesn't exist if we're not working it. And then the moms, if they aren't present, we have no one to give to. So we're holding all of that to be true. 

Right now, we have three ecosystems of care. Our longest running one is holiday love. And it's probably our most popular because it allows people to actively get involved with giving.

And so the framework is 'we' as an organization, Loving Black Single Mothers, hold ourselves as a third party and we have financial partners and moms and we match them together for four months and the moms get $500 a month. The money doesn't come to us. The money goes directly to the mothers.

Financial partners have to remember to give their money. And so this is a really active and not passive way of giving because , the mom knows and expects that you're going to be sending this money each month, and you have to actively put it on your calendar, remind yourself to give this money each month.

And it's purposely done that way because a lot [00:15:00] of times in the nonprofit, charity space is you give and you don't know what happened. You don't know who it touches. You're not really engaged in the organization. It's like, "Oh, I give and I felt great."

We're holding that we want you to give and understand the impact. So if you don't give on the day you say you're going to give and the mom is expecting that, what does that mean? You're not impacted as a financial partner, but the mom is impacted. It's just this beautiful way for people to show up for each other.

Our last year, for the first time, we had a closing ceremony where we brought in financial partners and the moms all together virtually . And we allowed space for the moms and financial partners to share, like, "What did it mean for you to participate in this?"

And we had moms who were in tears, who were just like, "$500 a month meant the world to me. The commitment meant the world because I knew that then I would have it for the next few months. And to know that there's a group of strangers [00:16:00] who see me and who are holding that I'm worthy of this money is life changing."

And that was some of our goal of wanting them to be witnessed, wanting them to be seen, beyond the material change. What energetically does that shift in your body? When a society tells you that "you're unworthy. You made your bed and now you deserve all the things." What happens when you have a cohort of people who are saying, "Nah, your kids deserve to be well on a cellular level."

What does that change in your body around possibility, for the moms? And then for the people who have the money, now that you see the impact, does that open up more for you to want to change, to give, to think about that? 

And then we have another one called Summer Camp Joy, we'll be changing the name a little bit, but we give up to $3,000 to moms for the summer to put their kids in a summer camp because we know the summertime, even for folks who have money, is difficult.

 Your kids aren't in school. You still got to go to work. So you're going to put your kids in summer camp and it's expensive. Most [00:17:00] low income Black single mothers do not have access to this. And so there's gritting their teeth and bearing it for the summer. We're saying, "Let's give you some money. Put your kids in summer camp. Take your kids on a vacation. Go to an amusement park. Do something like that."

Toi Smith: And so that's our other ecosystem. 

And then our biggest one, which we're launching for the first time in the next couple of months. It's called Forever Flourishing. And we take a cohort of mothers and they get a $30,000 grant. So it's $2,500 a month for a year. They also get a $5,000 wellness grant as well to basically do life.

 This isn't new and we call it guaranteed thriving income. There have been a lot of pilots and there are a lot of pilots right now that are giving guaranteed income to certain communities. There's nothing that is giving anything this big. This amount of $2,500. It's usually between $500 to maybe a $1,000. 

This number is specific because it's connected to what I could have used when I was raising little ones. $500 is great, but [00:18:00] $2,500, what does that open up for someone to plan to maybe think about buying a house, paying off debt, taking their kids out? What does money do on impact? How does it change people that need it the most? We've been working on that for literally two years to get funding for it to get everyone oriented towards it. And we're finally to that space.

Emily Race-Newmark: First of all, just to affirm how amazing it is that all these different models of ecosystems of care are existing and growing. And I have a curiosity around where you see this growing five years from now. What's the vision for this as a program overall? 

Toi Smith: While I'm the founder and executive director and I make a lot of decisions, I do this work with a close group of beloved to work with me in making decisions and bringing this to life. And so one of the things is that we don't desire to be a big organization. What you see now is probably what it's going to be. 

That's deeply intentional because we know inside of capitalism, [00:19:00] even inside the nonprofit world, which is connected deeply to capitalism, is that you're only legit or successful if you grow. 

And when you grow, what happens there is a chance for your values and the things you're connected to, to be diminished is really great. Because you're chasing this path of growth, that you lose the connection to the community, to what you're supposed to be doing.

So I don't desire for us to be big. What I desire is for us to do the work we can do within the space that we can do it. 

Also, I work with Black women and femmes and other BIPOC women. I don't desire for us to be stressed out, or overworked, or things like that at all. That would be counter to our value set.

So we are going to stay small and intentional and be a possibility model. And what that means for us is, "If you want to do your own holiday, love, here, we're going to give you the steps to do that and do that in your community. You do that work. That's not for us to do."

I'm not holding that I need to change every Black single [00:20:00] mother's lives. We're going to do what we can. And I think that's the orientation for so many organizations that they should be holding. And so in five to maybe eight, my goal is to pass this on to a group of Black single mothers to run collectively. I don't desire to be the founder all the time and doing all of the work. Because this isn't for me, it is for us.

It is for we. And if I'm desiring to really stay connected to the vision, then I can't uphold that I have to be at the top. 

So I'm starting it. We are seeding it. We are rooting it. We are getting the processes in place. We are getting the word out. We're doing all of those things with the hopes and intention that in time, five to eight years, we will be able to pass it on to a collective of moms I think can run it themselves without someone at the top. 

Emily Race-Newmark: I'm so glad I asked that question because I think that just plants the seed of possibility. The goal is not always growth, it's really keeping it local in the sense that the relationships can [00:21:00] actually be nurtured.

When you described that call where all the members of this ecosystem were together, the number of places that I feel like that's missing in my own life or in these spaces where we're here to support and help one another and create XYZ, but where is the relationship?

Where is the knowing one another? 

You've talked a bit about some of the stereotypes about Black single mothers, and if we can surface these are some of the collective historical and present narratives around what it means to be a Black single mother. And then maybe walking us through the vision for what we might hold otherwise.

Toi Smith: We have a learning series called Beyond Stereotypes over on LovingBlackSingleMothers.com. That goes through all of this around why you should care about Black single mothers. Because while some people don't think they have an intentionally bias or stereotype around Black single mothers, you do.

 Black single mothers have been the poster child for welfare queen. For those who are undeserving of support. And we connect this [00:22:00] to Black motherhood, overarchingly, because Black mothers are seen as not responsible, not good caretakers, all of these things that are embedded inside of this broader system of white supremacy, capitalism, patriarchy, and all of those things. 

Even in the Black community, are seen as this pariah who make bad decisions, who aren't responsible for their children, who are like, "we are the scapegoat," if there is anything wrong with the Black community, it's because of Black single mothers.

"You are in trouble because you were raised by a Black single mother". And so there's just this level of harm and violence that we face, even if you Google right now, "Black single mother," you would be surprised at the articles that come up. 

If you go on our Instagram, there's one post in there and you'll see it with Kate Hudson and there was an headline a few years ago where it talks about, "Kate Hudson has three babies' dads or something like that. How does she handle it?"

That would never be a Black woman. You would never be able to see a Black [00:23:00] woman in the headline there with curiosity around like, "How does she handle it?"

It would be like, "You need to shame and blame her because how dare she have kids and take up resources in this way."

 There's just this holding that we are wrong for having children and that our family design is harmful and that we don't raise beautiful children, that we don't have nurturing households, that we aren't capable of doing the work of motherhood.

Now I'm not going to say it's not difficult, it is. But the outworld look is that we don't deserve any support. Because you made the choice. You have the child. You decided to do that without a dad. And so you're deserving of the pain.

Your kid is deserving of it; of the trauma of not being supported; of not having adequate shelter, healthcare, education. You're deserving of that because you made a choice you didn't buy in and participate in the family structure in the ways that would warrant you [00:24:00] safety. So don't cry. 

And what I'm saying as someone who is a Black single mother is that's really bullshit. If more people understood how we think about Black single mothers and how we treat Black single mothers, then goes upstream to how we think about motherhood in general. How we're holding motherhood all across the board. 

I really just want people to understand if Blackness is treated so violently, and womanhood is treated so violently, and motherhood is treated so violently, what happened when you put all three of those together for a woman who is then not connected to a patriarch? What does that mean for her? What does that mean for her children? Think about it and unravel it that way. 

Emily Race-Newmark: The last thing I want to unpack and define is just this "myth of marriage" that you've spoken about. What is that myth upholding and what can we unpack and question within it? 

Toi Smith: This ruffles a lot of feathers anytime I talk with a nuclear family, because people are like, "don't take my family away," and I'm like, "not taking your family away. I'm asking you [00:25:00] to think, why do you have to only see blood as your family?" why can't my best friends be my family? 

I'm not even trying to be radical here, but marriage is a contract. You get benefits from the state for being married. There's an economic benefit to being married. That's just the truth. Inside of capitalism, the nuclear family—marriage, two parents, cis-hetero, man, woman, your two kids buy a house—i t upholds capitalism because each of us then become little units. Who then have to have a home, who then have to have a lawnmower, who then have to have separate everything. So then we participate in consumerism as a little family. And that is what capitalism needs because capitalism is about goods and services. And so how do you do that? Everyone has to have their own thing.

And so marriage is a part of that function. I'm not saying don't get married. Get married, have a beloved. I'm not taking marriage away from you at all. But I'm saying at least can more of us understand [00:26:00] and be truthful, at least, around the state's function inside of marriage.

Marriage is beautiful saying like, "I want to spend my life with you. I want to go up and down on the roller coaster."

That's wonderful. People who want that should have that. But I think the opposite end of that is to say, what is it serving? And why are you morally better if you do it? 

Emily Race-Newmark: Yeah, what I'm really taking away and hearing in this is, why does that have to be the only way, or on a hierarchy that's the best way and everything else is wrong, you failed or you've done something wrong.

And so it's really interesting connected to what are some of the other benefits economically or socially, politically that come from marriage currently? 

We'll move into the vision now, cause I'm very curious, what is your vision? You touched on it, that family expands beyond just this nuclear definition or that friends encompass that what is possible outside of just upholding the institution of marriage as the right path? 

Toi Smith: A few months ago, maybe last year I had said something like, "I just really want to have a [00:27:00] commune with my beloved. Like I want to own a home or homes on a piece of land and do life with my people. I want to share the burden with people, that sounds magical."

And the comment were so crazy. I was not expecting this. Like "you're commie," like, "how do you want to do that? Are you gay?" The weirdest response.

 I think it's because again, we uphold marriage or cis-hetero partnership as the beacon, as a North Star. It legitimizes you. You are trustworthy. You got a partner? You guys got married? Like, "oh my gosh," like, "that is the thing that I want to do and I want to be," and like, "now I can trust you." 

It's the same way we'll never have a president who's not married because it's like, "We don't trust you if you're not married."

My vision, and what you're even seeing, I posted something in my stories the other day of this group of eight friends who bought townhomes next to each [00:28:00] other to do life together. And that is what more people are talking about. These are actual conversations that my friends are having.

Do we buy land and live together? Historically, you'll be seen as unsuccessful if you do that. If you have a roommate, if you depend on anyone for anything, when we all depend daily on each other, I just want to throw that in there. But if you depend on anyone, if you're sharing life with anyone other than your wife or husband, there is something wrong with you.

You're 40 living with roommates, there is something wrong with you. I think we have to unpack that. Why is that a problem? Why has that been historically a question? Now, more people are forced because of the economy to live in this way or stay with parents, but what if that was just the norm? Does that say something about you as a person as you're about your character? These are the questions I'm thinking about.

Emily Race-Newmark: Wow. I share the dream of having a commune. I am married and actually my husband and I before we got married [00:29:00] when we met we were like, "We're committed to each other. We don't need to go through the process of marriage."

We made that commitment for the reasons we did and I love him and I appreciate him on a different level when we're in community with others, because there's the benefit of seeing the role that each person is playing versus when we are isolated. For whatever reason, there's still love there, there's still appreciation, but there's an expansion that becomes available inside of community.

My mom's here right now. I feel the affection towards my husband is increased because there's this communal care happening. Mm-Hmm. . We're not in this the two of us against the world. 

Toi Smith: That's so exhausting. I was even thinking about, I would love to just buy a home now to have my mom live with us.

A place for her to be, even my brother. If Not saying work for everyone. 'Cause some people, I get it right, but can we expand? 

There was a show, I can't remember the name, but I just remember that these neighbors were so close that they would end up on each other's patio at the end of each night and having a drink and talking about the day. That [00:30:00] feels successful and juicy to me.

Can I be so connected to my neighbors that there's no gate, there's no fence, but we chill in this open space all the time. Can we share the burden? Can there be, in the dream world, can I have a few homes on some land and we do communal dinners? And I don't have to worry about cooking all the time.

 If you really unpack it, I want people to really think about it, how exhausting it is to do life in the way that we've been forced to do life in the system. You got to think about cooking for your family every day, cleaning up for your family all the time, being isolated all the time, all of these things to just climb this ladder and make it.

But what if we said, "No, fuck that I'm not doing that. Actually, we're all going to live in this space and that cuts our rent in half. And so now we have more time to be together. And we have more time to dream and question and be in possibility."

Because what actually also happens is, when we exist in these systems in the way that we're forced to work so [00:31:00] much, we're forced to labor within our nuclear family so much, is that it's stiffens our creative juices.

How we can think about even doing something differently because we're so worried about just surviving. So how do we free up the space? And adrienne maree brown says this around, it's a battle of the imagination. So how do we free up the space to open up our imagination? And part of it is, where are the spaces where we can have shared burden and then not critique it as we're unsuccessful or less than?

Emily Race-Newmark: Rather, could the opposite be true? In this case, could it also be true that success actually looks like you said, like sharing that conversation after dinner with a group of beloveds on a shared piece of...

Toi Smith: Yeah.

Emily Race-Newmark: Living space? Whatever that looks like. Let's keep diving onto this whole thread.

I do want to look at, how do we shift to that orientation? I see this as the liminal transitional space. We still exist within the system, what are those pockets that we can create? What have you found even in your own life for the folks that you work with, what are [00:32:00] those ways of accessing more of a communal orientation?

Toi Smith: Yeah, I think this becomes really tricky for people, right? Because a lot of people are like, "What's the solution? We know all the problems, so what is the solution?"

 First, I ask people to distance themselves from capital big S solution, like one solution. It's going to be solutions. It's your disillusion to think there's going to be one swipe solution and it's all going to change, but you're gonna go to sleep and you're going to wake up and it's going to be like, "Oh, great. We live in this like utopia and now everything's beautiful."

That's not going to happen. It's going to be continual little solutions as it has always been. And so what that looks like is taking yourself out of, "I need to change the world," that's a big ask. 

I'm not even trying to change the world. I'm trying to do my part with my little pocket of time, with my energy. Also understanding that there are systems trying to harm me and what does that mean that I need to do? It means I need to be soft and take care of myself, [00:33:00] move slower, all the things. 

Taking it out of, "I need to change the world."

Remove that from your thought because that's going to overwhelm you. You're not going to make moves there. 

What are your 500 square feet? How can you maybe change your relationships with your children? Are you a like mini dictator to your children? Do you treat them the way that capitalism, white supremacy, patriarchy wants you to treat them? Or do you see them having agency? Start with your parenthood, maybe. Look at that. 

How do you relate in your relationship with your beloved? Are you able to have different kinds of conversations? Are you upholding a certain dynamic that was force fed to you? Are you questioning your conditions in your relationship?

How about your community? Just walk out into your neighborhood, do we know anyone on your block? Could you go knock on a door maybe and say, "hello," are you a part of anything in your community? What are you reading? What are you studying, or what are you listening to?

Because part of the thing is, if I keep [00:34:00] saying we are swimming in this water, it means you have to be doing something to counter it. That means you have to be learning and unlearning. It doesn't have to be all the time, but you have to be taking it like medicine. 

Where are the spaces that you're able to question these things? How are you looking at the unhoused population in your community? These are little things. Do you carry cash on you so that you can maybe give to them? And this is something I teach my sons. We keep cash in the car, just in case we're near someone who's unhoused. But I'm teaching them something there. 

How are you connected to the schooling system? If your kids are in school, do you uphold the school as a end all be all? What do you see school as and how your kids have to interact with school? 

If you work, how do you view work? Do you see yourself as someone who is being exploited and then thus that the job should not have as much power as they have? Then how do you orient to that? So there's these little [00:35:00] practices that we can be defiant and questioning. And it's also this quiet defiance within ourselves. It doesn't have to be really loud. And again, world changing, but it's in our relationship. 

How are you with the natural world? What do you even think about the air that we're breathing, who has water, the plants, all the things? How are we in relationship to those things? What are you doing with your money? And this isn't for wealthy people, this is for all of us to think about. If you don't have enough, but maybe if you do, have a practice to give a little bit. Maybe you just have a few bucks for mutual aid, what is that practice?

If we're all doing these kind of moves, doesn't that change the world in some direction? It doesn't have to be you start a big organization. It doesn't have to be that you open the commune. Maybe that is it. But those feel daunting to a lot of people. Start right where you're at.

What do you think about [00:36:00] landlords? Why do you have to pay the money that you have to pay? Get an analysis, get a critique, and then bring people into that. 

Can you talk to your parents about these radical things? Can you talk to your siblings about them? 

A former participant of responsibility of white wealth, we stay connected, and she had sent me a text message a few months ago and was like, "I just wanted to let you know how profound the work was that I was able to have my brother and sister agree to support a Black single mother for six months and give her $1,600 a month so that she can pay her rent and things like that. This person could not before have a conversation with her family about this stuff. Does that change the world? In a little bit it does. She was able to, through her work, her dedication, create a practice and understanding to then call in siblings who don't necessarily hold the same viewpoint as her but trust her and [00:37:00] we're listening and she was able to create the language to have them come in. Like, "We will give this money to this mom that we don't know to do what we don't care with and it's going to be we trust you to do it."

That is part of the work too. Just seeing the places and the crevices where maybe because you've been indoctrinated that has to be like this huge thing where you pull back from that and this is something that I'm doing differently.

Emily Race-Newmark: Oh my gosh, everything you said is so resonant for me because that's one of my intentions with this podcast. Because I'm here learning and trying to shift the narratives I hear and in doing so I'm hoping that folks will be like, "Wait a minute, let me start questioning these things in my life," and see that their life it's this actually ongoing opportunity to create a life of care of contribution of one that's fulfilling and rewarding and lights you up and gives you life and it shares that with others. Versus what I see so many people are just resigned and apathetic and feeling depressed and anxious and disconnected.

How can we start shifting that? [00:38:00] As you share all these questions, there's so much to chew and dive into, I feel like there's something to be said about this doesn't have to all be answered in one day. You follow the path.

Toi Smith: Yeah, no. I think that is so much of the socialization that we've been brought into of the urgency.

Emily Race-Newmark: Yes. 

Toi Smith: It's urgent and needs to be done now. That means you're disembodied. That means you don't even know what you feel or what you think. Some of it is urgent. But also, once you start doing this work long enough, you get the capacity to hold contradictions.

That there is some urgent and there's some things that we can take slow. You have to lean into and understand that for yourself of what feels urgent and what feels like something I can take slow. None of this is going to happen overnight. None of this has happened overnight. Like we are talking about a long, long game. 

For it to be regenerative, you have to do it with people, if you can, and some of it you do alone. But you have to do it embodied and not disembodied. And when I say embodied, I mean you have to be able to [00:39:00] know why you're doing it and feel it. 

These systems want you to be apathetic. They want you to think there is nothing you can do. You're powerless. That's a hard place to be. I don't want to feel that because that's not true to me.

That's not true to me at all. 

 If you can, find spaces where people are talking about and moving in possibility. If you don't have anything in your local community, virtually, there are tons of spaces that you can be in.

Emily Race-Newmark: I'm curious your take on this. I've been playing with very recently, what if I stopped orienting to all of this as "the work" or work and it saw it as play and creativity and experimentation with each other? Let's just have so much fun, even when it's hard, even when the grief arises, it's not to bypass those things.

But like with that orientation around pleasure, to bring in adrienne maree brown again, that pleasure activism piece that to me feels like something I'm practicing. 

Toi Smith: Yes. 

 I think that's so beautiful. 

I watch my children when they go outside, and they're teenagers and preteens [00:40:00] now, but they still go outside and play. And I love that for them. 

Like I said, some of this work can get very heady. And it can feel like I've got to know the words. I have to know the language. I have to understand the definition, all the things. 

What I really been thinking about is, can we hold liberation in our body? Can you feel what it would mean to be freer, to have more love, to have access to health care, and to have access to adequate housing for everyone? Does that feel good? Like do you get shivers? If we can start to hold that more in our body because we are an energetic people, that is truth.

How long can we sustain those feelings? That is my vision for more of us to yes, understand and unlearn and learn the language and all the things, but also be able to feel it enough that it excites us to move and to do things together.

Emily Race-Newmark: Oh my gosh, yes. There's also this thread in all these conversations around like the somatic, if you call it somatic, that like that feeling piece is so critical. 

So now [00:41:00] to wrap things up here, I love to leave folks with a direct action that they could take as they close out this podcast and we covered so much ground. So what would be your invitation there? 

Toi Smith: Directly connected to the work that I do, I have a year-long offering called 'The Deepening', you get each week, a reading directly to your inbox to help you unlearn and to deepen your political analysis to have you ask questions.

If you're interested in developing a thought practice, a reading practice, a decolonial practice around understanding our political landscape from so many different perspectives, I encourage you to get on The Deepening. Like I said, it's free.

For folks who are listening to this, to really sit in silence for a bit and see the spaces and crevices in your life where you feel like you can be more liberatory and embodied. Is it in your relationship with yourself? How do you talk to yourself? How do you love on yourself? Again, relationship with your kids. I'm always about the relationships because I [00:42:00] think more healthy relationships creates a more healthy collective body and being. 

Emily Race-Newmark: Amazing. Well, Toi, thank you again. I could talk to you for hours. I really appreciate your time and everything you just shared and so grateful for how you're showing up in the world and providing a model for others in doing so. 

Toi Smith: Thank you so much for having me. This has been such a great conversation. 

Emily Race-Newmark: Thank you so much for listening. If you want to stay in touch with Toi, you can check out her website, toimarie.com, or her Instagram @toimarie. 

 Her website links to all her different offerings, and includes a newsletter signup list if you want to receive more from her in your inbox. 

Emily Race-Newmark: All of this we've linked over at our website, thisishowwecare.Com, in the show notes of this episode. You can also sign up for our newsletter if you want to receive prompts and practices from guests like Toi to support us in embodying a world of collective care.

If you think this episode will resonate with someone that you care about, please, please pass it on to them. In doing so, you're helping others to connect the ideas that matter to [00:43:00] them as we collectively practice, play, and embody a world of collective care.

This episode was produced by me, Emily Race, co produced by Kimberly Anne, with final editing by Andrew Salamone, and music by Eric Weisberg.